I Wanted the Hallmark Moment

The one time I wanted histrionics and you gave me a wave.

Reason #1 to Read I’m Only a Good Daddy Because Your Mommy Died

Reason #1 to read my book: it wasn't written for you.

I'm closer to him than I am to my own rabbi.

I'd like to tell you it was devotion. It was mostly a right turn.

Instead of a panic attack, it's a panic sad.

So spending an entire week with you was amazing. Kind of like eating a poop sandwich with chocolate in the middle.

Dead wives get promoted to sainthood.

Turns out I have NEGATIVE chill when it comes to Luciana.

People keep telling me how funny the book is. They don't know it's the only thing keeping me out of a padded room.

Both doors are the wrong door.