Parenting After Loss

One Ear at a Time

/ Daddy

Dear Vanessa,

I’m always going to remember when Luciana got her ears pierced for a very unusual reason. Her right ear was pierced before you died, and the left ear was pierced afterward.

We went at 9 months because if we waited any longer the doctor said you should wait until 4 years or they will pull at the earring. Nobody in my family got their ears pierced that young, but I knew everyone in your family did. So even if I felt weird about it I wasn’t going to say anything.

After the first time it was done I almost fainted. We all said it looked perfect. But I noticed the left ear was a centimeter off.

The doctor was confident that if we take the earring out and wait 3 weeks the ear will heal. The ear did heal. I did not.

Going back there with one earring and no mommy was so surreal. I can’t even imagine what the doctor was thinking. Part of the reason the earring was off the first time was because I didn’t hold her down hard enough and she was very squirmy.

I bear hugged her this time. The snap of the earring machine went. Luciana cried for maybe 10 seconds. Your mother and I cried for the whole car ride home.

You were so meticulous cleaning her ear. There was no way she was going to get an infection. It was one of the first realizations that I no longer have you to help me with these types of things. It was all on me.

And it’s still all on me.

Besitos,

Michael

The Angriest I’ve Been Since Mommy Died

/ Daddy

Dear Luciana,

We were at the indoor playground. You were playing with another kid, maybe five years old. I wanted you to have space to play without me hovering. Five minutes in, the kid hit you across the face. On purpose.

The kid said it was an accident. It wasn’t. I was watching. She lied. I got gaslit by a five year old.

You screamed. Not the whiny cry. The real one. I looked for the parents. Nobody. The place was packed and I couldn’t find them. I wanted to yell at that kid. I wanted to find her parents and tell them what I thought of them. I’ve never been that angry. Even in those first weeks after Mommy died when everything was rage and nothing and rage again.

I picked you up. You were still crying. Her parents never showed up. What am I supposed to do in that situation? Yell at some kid that should know better? I made her apologize. Mommy would have gone ballistic until she found the parents. Mommy probably wouldn’t have let you play that far away in the first place. I still haven’t figured out the balance between giving you independence and making sure you don’t get beat up by a bigger kid.

Besitos,

Daddy